Why is it so hard to sit?
I struggle with peace I suppose.
I have my moments. This is what I call them. Moments. Others, like my husband, may call them psychotic breaks.
These moments usually hit me in my "quiet, peaceful times."
Why is it I think there are SO many other things I NEED to be doing right now? Why is it so difficult for me to do just one thing and one thing only. Why does it feel better to do 5 things at once. Why am I always "busy"? Why do I try to carry 10 things at once and then get pissed when it falls out of my arms. Why do I feel "forced" to relax, or sit down... Here is the thing about my family. They need me present and engaged. Often times, I am engaged elsewhere. Cleaning. It must be my outlet, My way to kill time. When I can't do this, mood plummets. Things get ugly.
I'm not a naturally laid back, go with the flow kind of gal. I like routine, structure, organization. I like to be on top of my A game. It's safe to say I like control. Because let's be honest... control is easily achieved when you have these things. I was finding, that in the chaos that was most of 2015 (i.e. sold house, new baby, living with in-laws, building, and husband on strike.) I had lost total control. This was pivotal for me.
For a long time, I want to say from the point in time when I became a mother... I could not sit, leave the house, or go to sleep unless the house was perfect. "Just a touch of OCD" is what I would tell myself. I will tell you right now it was something much deeper. These compulsions caused lots of unnecessary fights, judgments, and tears. They were fueled by the similar issues; Pressures, judgments, and fears. Super high expectations of people and atmospheres. If my house was "perfect," and my children were "perfect" then that was a reflection of me.
First of all, EW.
Being compulsive causes chaos... which is funny because when you are trying to be in full control chaos is the exact thing you are trying to avoid. You are too busy obsessing over whatever it is you are choosing to obsess over. A mess. The dishes. The closets. Work.
High expectations can cause a lot of pain and stress. I needed to lower them.
Then you get irritated by anything getting in the way of whatever you are obsessing over in that moment.
This. Is. Not. Healthy. And it took many years and a few self help books for me to be able to acknowledge this.
Acknowledging this and working on it didn't feel that great at first, but growing from it did.
I am surrounded by people who are like mirrors. This can be good and bad. For now, I'm going to focus on why this is good. If you could see yourself, or hear yourself when things get ugly... you would try real hard to not be that.
My friends and my family. Some are very similar to me, some are the exact opposite. All of these people combined are giving me a full 360 view of myself. They help me get my priorities in check. Some intently, and some unknowingly. My similar people... I accept and love them for who they are and vice versa. We share the same flaws and frustrations. I get it. 1,000%. I've been there. I'm here with you. We are in this together.
My opposites... I am drawn to you. I am taking what you are throwing out there. I want to be more like you. You are so carefree. You are teaching me and showing me that it is TOTALLY OK to leave the toys, the dishes, and the crumbs on the floor. You remind me that they will be there tomorrow no matter how many times I sweep them up. It is TOTALLY OK to not have a plan.
Everyone. Will. Live.
I've got my husband and children. The mirrors I look into most often. If I've ever felt crazy and needed an affirmation on that, I'll just ask my husband. Keepin it real since 03'. He is my constant reminder that whatever is going on in my mind that is telling me I'm not enough is dead wrong. For that I am forever grateful. It could be in the form of an argument, or a heart to heart after one. Either way, I'm able to look inward thanks to him.
My children are my biggest mirrors. My littlest teachers. My older two show me that I need to let them have responsibilities. They show me they are capable. I need to let them be. They have seen me at my worst. (My Mommie Dearest, scrub Christina, scrub moments.)
Upside to this being, they like a clean room and enjoy routine.
They also show me where I have messed up. I hear the tone in their little voices when they are angry or frustrated. Yep. That's me I hear. I don't like it. Can't get mad at them for it... but I can be conscious of it. I will own that oopsie.
The babies. Oooh, the babies. Brewer is in the beginning stages of being a threenager, so those are good times... it doesn't matter what I am preoccupied with, or not preoccupied with, Brewer will say "Mama" over and over until I am giving him direct eye contact. "WHAT babe!" Is my typical response. It could be as simple as "I like Santa Clause." or "I have a butt cheek." Whatever is on his mind, it's super important to him and he wants to tell his fav person ever... Mama. She should be there to listen. I should be there to listen. So I am. And I do.
Bronwyn shows me that a mother daughter bond can be stronger than anything. I swear she would cry in my belly because she wanted me to hold her in my arms. From the day she was born, she would cry for me. I have never held a child so much. I also didn't realize you could basically do anything in life with one arm. Cook, paint, rule the world. It's possible people.
When all 4 are home and in for the night it is like a chaotic whirlwind.
This is what I needed. This is what it took to teach me my biggest lesson in life.
I'm not in control. I need to live for today and be happy in the moments that are so fleeting. Perfection will never be achieved.
I don't want to wear myself out.
Being tired, miserable, and compulsive is not how I want my children to remember me. Once I came to terms with all of the above I realized it is WAY more fulfilling to let go of the things I obsess over rather than to try to control it all.
I am living. I am trying. I'm doing the best I can.
Aren't we all?
By the way... how wonderful would life be if we all walked around knowing that everyone is doing the best they can.
My mantra this week:
Stop pouring all the energy I've got into the things that can't pour back.