Today when I heard that my mom was not well, my heart sank. I've been working so hard on my relationship with her. It's been no bed of roses, her and I. It was never your perfect mother daughter relationship. She was never the perfect mother. I was never the perfect daughter. Quite frankly, it's been volatile. Because addiction, is terrible. Divorce, is horrible. And not knowing how to sort out your emotions and the trauma from life events such as those is No. Freaking. Picnic.
I've slammed doors in her face. I've seen things I want to unsee. I've cut off all lines of communication for months. I've yelled. I've cried. I've turned to stone. I've fallen apart. I've hoped. I've been let down. I've tried to hurt her. I've been hurt by her. I've been right. I've been wrong. And although sometimes being her child was lonely, I know now, I was never alone.
I fought back tears all day. I've worked so hard on my boundaries, my codependency, my emotions. Sometimes it's a daily task to just view the world with a healthy perspective. "Don't try to fix that... Nope can't control that... Mind your own business... Let them make the choices... Protect yourself... Protect your children..." I've tried to detach and have successfully done so with a lot of dysfunctional areas of my life... but today... Today it hit me and when my kids fell asleep and I lost it. I keep thinking of my mother and watching her struggle to breathe. I almost couldn't look at her.
If something happened to her, I would feel alone. There is no self help book that can replace a Mom.
No matter how many times I slammed that door. No matter how many times I isolated myself or said "never again" or "I can't take this anymore." "I don't want my kids to deal with this" or "you don't deserve to be around us" All the coping and the punishments and the pain. No matter what, she never gave up on her and I. She always calls. She is always right there. She is always saying 'I'm not going anywhere." For the past 15 years I've gone through a lot with her. In my heart, I don't have enough happy memories to make up for all the sad ones yet. And the thought of losing her makes me want to take back every single moment I was angry with her. Or hateful to her. Or resentful. All the times I would vent about her. I want to take them back. But I can't. They will always be there. It's who made me who I am today, all those painful moments. All I can do is love her now. She's doing her best. And so am I.
Love your loved ones. Really love them. Give them grace. Most importantly give grace to yourself. Cry when you need to. Laugh when you don't know what else to do.